I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
