Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
