Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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