You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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