Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
