mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
