I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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