I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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