Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
