why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
