I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
