My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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