my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
MIDGETS
????
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
