I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
