with your own penis?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
