I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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