my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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