Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
