I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
