I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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