Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
