How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
