your parents love me but you hate me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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