You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
