i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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