he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
