Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
