You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
