I want to have your abortion
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
