You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
