I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
