I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
