My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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