Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
