I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
