I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
