Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
40s are totally the cure
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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