are you still at the devil's house?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
