my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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