I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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