Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
