she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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