Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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