I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
