I think my fart just growled at me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
