____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
