Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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