Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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