btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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