omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize