Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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