I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
