And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
