How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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