I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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