I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
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