I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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