My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
