There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
