Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
