I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
